Lame Jokes!

[Urian]

Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the jungle between 4 and 6 pm?
A: The elephants are parachuting then.

Q: Why are crocodiles so flat?
A: They walked in the jungle between 4 and 6 pm.

[PuppetRebel]

Weird. Double post? Oops.

[PuppetRebel]

There are two muffins baking in the oven.
One muffin looks at the other and asks:
"Is it me or is it hot in here?"
The other muffin replies:
"AAAAAHHHH! TALKING MUFFIN!"

And I can't forget:
What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians?
The drummer.

[joetalbot1]

There once was this cajun guy who had a son. His son just came home from his first day of middle school, and his dad asked," So, son, what did they teach ya?" His son replied,"(pi)r^2." The dad replied,"Dammit boy, they didn't teach ya nothin'! E'eryone knows that pie are round!"
Q:How do you tell the drummer's stool is perfectly balanced?
A:The drool comes out both corners of his mouth.

[HavokSCOUT]

ladies and gentlemen, you have forced my hand:
Q:If a cannibal ate his mother's sister, what would that make him?
A: an aunt-eater

Hello, Operator? I'd like to speak to the king of the jungle.
Sorry, sir, but the lion is busy right now.

Q:where do astronauts leave their space ships?
A:at parking meteors

I have a very frustrated pet at home. A turtle that likes to chase cars.

A couple of fleas were walking home from the theatre. One asked the other, " Do you want to fly home, or take a dog?"

Q:Why do bees hum?
A:They can never remember the words

Q:what do you get if you cross a lake with a leaky boat?
A:About half way.

Q:Where does the Lone Ranger go to get rid of his trash?
A:To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.

Q:What's green, salty, and giggles?

A:

Show

A dill tickle

Q:What do you call a clairvoyant short person who broke out of jail?
A:A small medium at large.

Q:What kind of shoes do you make out of banana peels?
A:Slippers

Q:How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
A:Hold its nose.

Q:What's yellow, small, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous.
A:A sparrow with a machine gun.

How can you keep a fool in suspense?

Q:What do you call a rabbit with a lot of fleas?
A:Bugs Bunny

Teacher:What time is it?
Student:Right now?

Q:What lies on the ground a hundred feet in the air?
A:A dead centipede.

Q:What was the last thing to pass through a bug's mind when he hit the windshield?
A:His rear end.

Q:What has four wheels and flies?
A:A garbage truck

A couple of backpackers were packing for a hike through bear country. One of them starts to pack a pair of track shoes.
First hiker: Why are you packing those shoes? You know that you can't outrun a bear.
Second hiker: I know, I just have to outrun you.

Q:What did the sea say to the beach?
A:Nothing. It just waved.

Q:Why is it illegal in Australia for a man to marry his widow's sister?
A:Because he's dead.

Doctor (Holding up an eye chart): Can you read this line?
Patient: 10-Q 10-Q 10-Q
Doctor: You're welcome

A cannibal family is sitting at the table finishing up. The youngest one runs in, panting. He asks," Am I too late?" His dad picks his teeth and says, "Yup. Everyone's already eaten."

I have more, including some shaggy dog stories, but I think I have CPS in my wrist from typing this thing. Enjoy :D

[joetalbot1]

... what?

[Speltz]

Two cows are standing around in a field. The first one turns to the second and say, 'Man, have you heard about this Mad Cow disease? Scary stuff.' The second says, 'What do I care? I'm a helicopter.'

Edit: Oh, dug up a bunch of Tom Swifts from Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader..

Spoiler

Show

"Welcome to Grant's Tomb," Tom said cryptically.

"Smoking is not permitted in here," Tom fumed.

"Your boat is leaking," Tom said balefully.

"I prefer to press my own clothes," Tom said ironically.

"It's the maid's night off," Tom said helplessly.

"You're burning the candle at both ends," Tom said wickedly.

"I hope I can still play the guitar," Tom fretted.

"Someone removed the twos from this deck," Tom deduced.

"I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said remorsefully.

"The criminals were escorted downstairs," said Tom condescendingly.

"I haven't caught a fish all day," Tom said, without debate.

"I'd love some Chinese soup," Tom wantonly.

"I forgot what to buy," Tom said listlessly.

"I punched him in the stomache three times," Tom said triumphantly.

"... and you lose a few," concluded Tom winsomely.

"I was removed from office," said Tom disappointedly.

"I wonder what it was like being one of Zeus's daughters," Tom mused.

"He only likes whole grain bread," Tom said wryly.

"I'm definitely going camping again," said Tom with intent.

"Oh no! I dropped my toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.

[darahalian]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you got any grapes?"
The bartender replies, "No. This is a bar. What makes you think we would have grapes?"
So the duck leaves, and then comes back the next day and asks, "Do you got any grapes?"
The bartender, getting a little annoyed, says, "No. I already told you, this is a bar. We don't have grapes."
So the duck leaves, and then comes back again the next day and asks, "Do you got any grapes?"
The bartender is getting really annoyed now, and says, " NO! I already told you twice! Now don't ask again or I'll nail your bill to the bar!"
So the duck leaves, and the next day, comes back and asks, "Do you got any nails?"
Slightly confused, the bartender replies, "Uh, no.."
"Oh, okay," says the duck. "Do you got any grapes?"

[Tekei]

A duck walks into a bar [...]

[danielngtiger]

A duck walks into a bar [...]

Lol! Anyway, some physics/chemistry jokes.

Man 1:Want to hear a joke about Potassium?
Man 2:Sure
Man 1:K


Man 1:Want to hear a joke about Sodium?
Man 2:Okay.
Man 1:Na

What do you call a parrot in a raincoat?
Polly Unsaturated.

[Flesh_Engine]

Two grains of sand were on a holiday at the desert, one says to the other "Crowded here isn't it?" /badoemtpish...

[Urian]

Imagine a super villain with the nefarious power: mime control! He'd have a secret army of mime assassins - silent but deadly.

[joetalbot1]

A Scottish man sees a guy about to drink from a marsh, and says, in scottish,"Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit!" The man replies, "I can't understand you! Please speak english!" The scotsman says, "Use both hands! You'll get more that way!"

[ThatOneDude]

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil.

What do you call a guy with no legs? Neil.

I want to make a magic 8 ball where every answer is "maybe"

I used to have a freind with a confused dog named sit. I don't know why he was confused, we always played with him and loved him.
"Come here, sit!"
"Go get it, sit!

A man walked into a bar and said ouch.

Where did the king keep his armies? Up his sleevies.

A blonde walked into a Costco and said "I'd like to buy a TV." The salesperson said, "Sorry we don't sell TVs to blondes." So she dyed her hair brown and went back in. She said "I'd like to buy a TV." The salesperson said "Sorry we don't sell TVs to blondes." So, she dyed her hair red then went back in and said "I'd like to buy a TV." The salesperson said "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes." The blonde asked, "How did you know I was blonde this whole time?" The salesman said, "Because you're pointing to a microwave."

[Albalbalb]

friendly fire ... isn´t
:)

[Katalliaan]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL (allegedly) radio conversation of a U.S. Naval ship with Canadian Authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on October 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Urian]

Reminds me of this:

[The great randomo]

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

That's ridiculous!

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

No, of course not.

Hide pretty well, don't they?

the version i heard was:
how do elephants hide?
paint their balls red and hide in an apple tree.

what's the loudest noise in the jungle?
giraffes eating apples.

[walker_boh_65]

So a Duck walks into a convenience store to buy some chap-stick.

The Duck heads to the cashier to pay. The cashier asks, "Will that be cash or credit?"

To which the Duck replied, "Neither, put it on my bill."