Better Than Wolves Forum

Q:What do you call it when a redheaded guy gets sick?
A:Ginger Ail!

Papa tomato was crossing the street with his tomato family. The baby tomato is slow and is staying behind. Papa tomato gets angry, goes to baby tomato, steps on him, squishes him, and says - "Ketchup!"

- Pulp Fiction

Q: Why is the tomato red?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing

This one only works in German:

Atomwitz: Keiner lacht, alle strahlen.

EDIT: Maybe I should explain it then ...

rough translation: "nuclear joke: nobody laughs, but everyone grins."

Now, in German strahlen means to grin and to radiate ... yeah exactly, lame ... and even lamer since I have to explain it.

Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A: A wooly jumper!

Guy 1: Isn't Guy 3 meant to be in that race today?
Guy 2: He broke his leg, so he can't.
Guy 1: Lame.

It's funny because it plays off the thread's name as well.

I have tons of bad jokes. But that's because they're all extremely racist.

Anyways, here's one that's good for the whole family:

An American man purchased a Russian mail order bride. She was a very beautiful and voluptuous woman. But by the end of their first day together, the man was tired of her. Why?
Because in Soviet Russia, you screw wife. In Capitalist America, though, wife screws you!

The bartender replies, "we don't serve particles faster than light, sorry."
A neutrino walks into a bar.

A photon arrives at a hotel, and goes to check in. When he finishes, the clerk asks him if he'd like someone to help him with his luggage. "No," replies the photon, "I'm traveling light."

Not so much lame as geeky, but here goes:

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were on a cabin trip. There was no fire extinguisher in the cabin, but there was a bucket of water by the door.

During the night, the engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He runs out of his room, sees a fire, grabs the bucket and puts it out.

Later that night, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. Running out of his room he sees a fire, but there's hardly any water left in the bucket. So using his knowledge of thermodynamics he uses the remaining water optimally and puts out the fire.

Even later, the mathematician wakes up, you guessed it, smelling smoke. He runs out of his room, sees the fire and gets the bucket, but it's empty! He thinks about this a little bit, runs down to the river, fills up the bucket, runs back, sets it by the door and goes to sleep. Why? Because he's reduced the problem to one that's already been solved...


And another one, for good measure:

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are travelling by train across Scotland. Looking out of his window the engineer spots a black sheep standing on a hill. He exclaims: "Hah! I've always wondered about this, and now I know - there are black sheep in Scotland!".
The physicist looks out, looks at the engineer and says: "Your being a bit lax with your sample size there, the only thing we know is that there is one black sheep in Scotland."
The mathematician looks disappointed and says: "You can't prove that. The only thing you can prove is that there is a sheep in Scotland that is black on one side."

I apologize to any math majors here, but this one is directly from my math teacher of all people.

What did the Math PhD with a job say to the Math PhD without a job?

Heard this one the other day.

I could tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.

Nerdy pick up lines? Nerdy pick up lines.

You turn my floppy disk into a hard-drive.
I wish i was a dna helicase, so i could unzip your genes.
I'd love if you put a trojan on my hard-drive.

in soviet russia, people drink an industrial solvent commonly refered to as vodka.

In soviet russia, vodka mixes red bull with you.

hmmm, vodka red bull.

While these aren't intended to be actual jokes (but rather, lateral thinking problems), I think they warrant some menitons.

On which side of the cup is it best to have the handle? Where do the biggest potatoes grow? Where did Noah strike the last nail into the Ark? Would you rather a tiger attack you or a lion? What kind of dog, found in every country, usually has legs, but never runs? Where are all men equally good looking? If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take for four men to build the same wall? Which would you prefer to have: An old ten dollar bill or a new one? If you have three apples and four oranges in one hand, and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what do you have? How do you lift an elephant with one hand? What do you get hanging from an apple tree? How can a man go eight days without sleep? I wish I had more. I love these things.

1 in 10 people don't understand binary, the othe half do.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

Husbag3 wrote:1 in 10 people don't understand binary, the othe half do.

Or the version I first heard:
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary, those that don't and those that start counting at 0...

Husbag3 wrote:1 in 10 people don't understand binary, the othe half do.

On a scale of 1-10, what is the likelihood that this question is using binary?
-XKCD

I had tried to solve this. Got absolutely nowhere xD

There are two on a bike and the middle one falls through the back window for having the security belt unfastened.

On what part of the body do chickens have more feathers? The following one only makes sense if spoken, sadly, I'll still post it though:

How do you get out of a metal box, no openings or cracks, and having only a wooden table with you inside the box?

Why was the UN worried when the waiter dropped a platter of turkey?

Only works if you say it:

What do you call a proud gardener? And yes I made that one up all by myself ^^

What does a Chtorran call Denver?

Lunch

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a Mini-Cooper?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How many giraffes fit in a Mini-Cooper?
A: None, it's filled with elephants.

Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
A:
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.

Q:How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
A:
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.

Q: How do you know if there's been an elephant in your refrigerator?
A: There's footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.

Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.

Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There's an empty Mini Cooper parked outside.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

That's ridiculous!

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

No, of course not.

Hide pretty well, don't they?

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Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?

Looks like the backstroke, sir.