Dealing with a rough situation

[Folrig]

So, my wife and I miscarried last night. I don't know if I'm dealing with it or not.

We were only at seven and a half weeks, and we hadn't even had an ultrasound yet. For the last year we've been trying to conceive, and this is our first time getting pregnant. Given all that, had the miscarriage happened a month later this would have been far worse. I am at least grateful for the timing and that we've had no complications.

Of course this has hit my wife considerably harder than it did me. I can't imagine the sense of loss she is experiencing. Or what kind of blow her self-esteem has taken. Our doctor did do a great job of stressing that there was nothing we could have done to prevent or cause this miscarriage. In fact he said 30-40% of all pregnancies are miscarriages, and most women simply don't know they were pregnant. My wife is such a champ, one of the first things she said to me after we left was, "well, now we know we can get pregnant."

Then there is me. I find it's more heartbreaking to watch my wife deal with this than it is to consider my loss. I guess, for me, the pregnancy never seemed real, so there wasn't any sense of loss. I thought maybe posting would help me organize my thoughts and confront emotion, but I think all I am feeling now is anxiety over posting a personal story on the internet. It just seems like I should be sad or angry or something. I did briefly feel sorrow over not being a father, but I know we can and will try again. Mostly I think I feel empty. Or maybe quite is a better word. Theological beliefs may come into play at this point.

Well, thanks for reading through this far. I know it's been an emotional ramble, but it is nice to think things through and put them down on "paper." (Does that make this a "dear diar-" I mean "journal" moment?)

It's late here and I need sleep. Good night y'all.

[morvelaira]

Believe me, I know how you feel. Having been in your situation three times over the last few years... I /know/. And yet, all that I can offer you is that it does get better.

Chin up. It hurts, but it's not the end of the world. It may sound cold and callous, but it's the reality. I'm so sorry.

[johnt]

My sister miscarried three times, fairly far into her pregnancies, because of the way her uterus was shaped. She ended up having to get surgery to correct it, and she's since had two kids. She was devastated, every time it happened, and there were a lot of tears, i think more from frustration than grief, but once she had her kids, I think it get a lot easier for her to deal with.

It is absolutely true that many, if not most pregnancies miscarry, and that's one of the reasons you aren't supposed to tell anyone you're expecting until you're showing.

There's no right way to feel about something like this, but I think that if you talk about it with people close to you, you'll find out that you aren't even close to being alone in dealing with this. It's not exactly something you post on Facebook, but I'm sure it's happened to more people close to you than you expect.

[Sothe Cuslinde]

My sister miscarried a couple years ago, but it was kind of a good thing, the father wasn't exactly father material. I saw her crying and I felt so bad, the only thing I could offer her was a hug, so both my brother and I hugged her.

[Awfulcopter]

I would talk with your wife about how you feel. She'll sense that it isn't affecting you the same way, and she may be angry or confused if you don't explain why. I think it's natural that a mother's bond is stronger that early into a pregnancy, and I think she'll understand if you talk about it.

[Folrig]

Believe me, I know how you feel. Having been in your situation three times over the last few years... I /know/. And yet, all that I can offer you is that it does get better.

Chin up. It hurts, but it's not the end of the world. It may sound cold and callous, but it's the reality. I'm so sorry.

Holy crap Morvelaira. I see what my wife is going through, and I can't imagine what it must have been like for you. Thank you.

My sister miscarried three times, fairly far into her pregnancies, because of the way her uterus was shaped. She ended up having to get surgery to correct it, and she's since had two kids. She was devastated, every time it happened, and there were a lot of tears, i think more from frustration than grief, but once she had her kids, I think it get a lot easier for her to deal with.

It is absolutely true that many, if not most pregnancies miscarry, and that's one of the reasons you aren't supposed to tell anyone you're expecting until you're showing.

There's no right way to feel about something like this, but I think that if you talk about it with people close to you, you'll find out that you aren't even close to being alone in dealing with this. It's not exactly something you post on Facebook, but I'm sure it's happened to more people close to you than you expect.

My sister miscarried a couple years ago, but it was kind of a good thing, the father wasn't exactly father material. I saw her crying and I felt so bad, the only thing I could offer her was a hug, so both my brother and I hugged her.

I would talk with your wife about how you feel. She'll sense that it isn't affecting you the same way, and she may be angry or confused if you don't explain why. I think it's natural that a mother's bond is stronger that early into a pregnancy, and I think she'll understand if you talk about it.

Thanks for reading, the sentiment, and the advice guys. I appreciate it and all of you.

[Nexus Trimean]

Its unfortunately a very common thing that isnt talked about a lot. Just be there for her and do your best to be understanding. My cousin has miscarried 2. One of my coworkers lost one a few months ago. Its a very hard thing.

[diegokilla]

I'm sorry for your loss, and I wish you and your wife the best of luck through a truly tough point in your lives.

[Panda]

I am very sorry for you. : (
Since i like girls myslef im not sure what kind of advice i can give but here a go.
When women get pregnant we get a whole new flux of super emotional enducing hormones, so when it happens its much worse for us because of hormones, your not an insensitive person, your just not full of maternal hormones. Were never really given guidelines on how to react to this and very rarely observe it in other people by ourselves, not many people are prepared on how to react. Give her time and hey she'll come around, for round 2, of super baby making sex time.
: ) So please chin up, try not to think about what could have been, instead be thankful for what you have, a loving women who is ready and willing to bear your children, because remember, were not all that fortunate.
Panda : )

[Ribky]

My wife and I lost our daughter at 7 weeks old. There is definitely an emotional numbness that comes with these situations. I had a rough time with it for a long time myself. The best thing you can do for your wife is be there for her, and the best thing you can do for yourself is keep track of your emotions. I don't mean don't have them, just make sure you know what you're feeling and cope through it the best you can. Most hospitals have counselors for these types of situations (and they're usually free), use them if you need to.